he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
