We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
