I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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