I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
where am i from again
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Randomize
