We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
