he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
and she was petting her beer can
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize