I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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