She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
