dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
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