I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
