Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
