The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
