not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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