You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
