i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
