Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Drunk is not a location!
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
