so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
