does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
