Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize