You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
