Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
