well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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