Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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