I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize