Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
