I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
