I'm pants shitting drunk right now
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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