Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
