It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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