im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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