How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
