I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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