if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
