I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
