I want to have your abortion
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
