I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
