I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
