Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
