He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
she peed on how many people?
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize