i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
