do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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