How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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