He asked to "fluff my boner.."
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Your cock deserves a montage
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
