got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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