Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
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