Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize
