there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
