There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Randomize
