Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
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