At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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