Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
