Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
