Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
