my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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