Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
