the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
