i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize