Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
