So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
